Konami: Metal Gear 4 Will Cost Firstborn, Possibly Soul

by Steve Bowler on June 5, 2008 · 7 comments

in comedy

Oh noes!

In the wake of recent news regarding Metal Gear 4’s multiple near 90 minute cinemas, media blackout regarding review content, and multiple installs, Konami has released yet another bombshell of information regarding the title which debuts this June 12th.

Apparently, in an attempt to ensure that all of the content would fit on a blu-ray disk, Konami has made a pact with the devil, and those wishing to purchase the game will be forced to sign a contract which entitles Konami (and therefore The Devil) to the buyer’s firstborn child. Ryan Payton, Kojima Productions Assistant Producer, expains:

It’s simple, really. The content on this disk is a physical impossibility. There was no way for us to pack all of the amazing content players have come to expect from Kojima and Metal Gear onto one disk and have it run at framerate at an acceptable level of quality and performance, so we decided to look into more metaphysical realms of possibility. The occult was breifly considered, but what showed the most promise was The Devil, who showed us he could mystically pack all of the content onto one disk using dark arts and black magic if we gave him a few million firstborn children.

This might seem unacceptable to some buyers, however, Payton elaborates:

Metal Gear 4 is an impossibly good value. You’re getting 270 minutes of cinema, tens of hours worth of gameplay, and all it costs is $64 and your firstborn child. It’s Solid Snake we’re talking about here, for crying out loud. Who would pass that up? I mean, sure, you’ve got to wait through three installs thorughout the game, but could you imagine how many more installs you’d have to endure if it wasn’t for that firstborn child built into the cost?

It turns out there might be a bit more to the story, however:

As an added bonus, those who’ve pre-ordered the limited edition Metal Gear PS3 pack-in boxed set actually signed away their soul when they signed the “receipt” for their pre-order. It’s unfortunate, and we apologize for any inconvenience, but it was part of the cost of doing business, evidently. We didn’t read the fine print (it was in blood, I mean, it was kinda icky and all). As it turns out we need a few thousand immortal souls to go with the millions of babies. Our bad. But your luck! Let’s face it, the special edition Metal Gear PS3 is worth it, no? What were you using that soul for, anyway? It was just sitting there collecting dust. Think of it more as a bargain, like trading in an old used game for something shiny and new!

When asked about the possibility of just putting the game on two Blu-Ray disks, Parker had this for comment:

We felt that having users pause the game and have to get up and put a second disk in was an inexcusable inconvenience to the player. By cramming it all onto one disk (with the help of Satan and all of those babies. And souls.) we’ve created multiple opportunities for players to get up and make some sandwiches during the installs, or even possibly relieve themselves inbetween full feature length cutscenes! They just wouldn’t have those opportunities if we forced them to do the heavy lifting of having to do a disk-swap halfway through our game. We think the community will come to appreciate this decision.

How exactly Konami will deliver millions of babies (and thousands of souls) to The Devil was undisclosed at the time of this writing.